The World Is Ugly
by Mychemrom
Summary: "Hawkeye screamed out to her firing an arrow through the Chitaris throat, he took a step forward but stopped when he felt an arrow being taken out of his quiver, he spun around and the arrow was plunged into his shoulder. He screamed in pain dropping to his knees"
1. Chapter 1

'For every one of us, there's an army of them, but you'll never fight alone, cause I wanted you to know, that the world is ugly, but your beautiful to me.'

Natasha pivoted and shot a Chitari in the head, it fell to the floor among the rest of the garbage. Her eyes connected with Hawkeyes for a moment and they grinned at each other, the fire of battle burning in their eyes. Hawkeye let an arrow fly to his left, still looking at Black Widow he winked cockily. She rolled her eyes and laughed at his showing off.

The two worked their way down the street, Hawkeye shouting out the enemies patterns as he went. He was about to pull another arrow when his eyes fell on Black Widow  
"Nat!" He yelled as a Chitari came up behind her, she spun around guns out but as soon as she faced the foe it shoved its sharp gun into her stomach, pulling her up off the ground before falling letting her fall in a heap on the floor. Hawkeye screamed out to her firing an arrow through the Chitaris throat, he took a step forward but stopped when he felt an arrow being taken out of his quiver, he spun around and the arrow was plunged into his shoulder. He screamed in pain dropping to his knees, he yanked his blade out quickly and slit the aliens throat. He grabbed his shoulder and dropped his bow to the floor  
"I need a medic! Nats down, someone help!" His voice breaking as he spoke  
"Nat..." He whispered falling to his knees next to her, her body was rigid a look of pure agony on her face. Blood pooling in her mouth. Hawkeye put his hands over the wound, blinking away tears he spoke  
"Come on Nat, keep your eyes on me okay?" He smiled softly at her trying to stay strong  
"Hey.." She whispered smiling back at him before grimacing again  
"Hawkeye..."  
"Don't talk, you'll be fine okay." He looked at his hands now covered in blood and his heart ached  
"Everything's gonna be fine" he said vacantly, trying to convince himself more than her  
"Stark!" He yelled through his mic "I need you here now!"  
"On my way Barton" came his response, Hawkeye looked at Nat again and froze, her breathing was shallow, her eyes closed  
"Tash... Come on wake up. Nat look at me!" He yelled at her but there was no sign of movement.

Clint ran down the halls to the infirmary with Nat in his arms, his shoulder sending shooting pains through his whole body but that didn't matter right now.  
Natasha's face was pale, sweat beading on her forehead  
"You're gonna be fine" he whispered "you can't die on me..."  
He turned and pushed open the doors with his shoulder, the medical team waiting for him  
"Place her down here" one said and Clint placed her gently on the table, absently stroking her face as he stepped back  
"Agent Barton you need to leave now, Go next door and get your wound looked at"  
"I'm not leaving"  
"Barton" Fury spoke softly behind him, Clint shook his head not taking his eyes of his partner, he heard Fury sigh.

Two hours later the medical team finally moved away from the table their eyes solemn, the head doctor walked up to Clint  
"We did all we can do, it's up to her now. Clint, you might want to say your goodbyes" silent tears ran down his cheeks  
"She'll wake up. She's strong..." The doctor looked at him sympathetically, an expression Clint wanted to smash right off his face  
"Leave us alone" he demanded as he sat next to the bed, he took Nat's hand in his and stared at her  
"Nat... You have to wake up. You can't leave me. Please" he sounded pathetic, like a child weeping but he couldn't help it. His heart ached painfully at her motionless features, he was a soldier, he was trained in death. but this pain was nothing he had felt before, it took the air from his lungs and pulsed through his shaking body.  
Clints head snapped up as the heart monitor let out a long beep  
"No!" He yelled standing up he pressed down on her chest then brought his mouth to hers, his hands were shaking as he compressed her chest again  
"Come on!" He spat through clenched teeth, he heard the doctors behind him trying to pull him away  
"No! Get off me!" He growled pulling away from them. He continued his actions till he could barely breathe anymore. His body shook violently as he stepped back, he clenched his fists then turned them up, blood covered his hands. His eyes glazed over, his tears falling and mixing with the blood on his hands. Her blood.  
Clint swallowed hard then lurched forward like someone had punched him in the stomach, he put his hands on his knees  
"Agent Barton?" The doctor took a step towards him  
"this can't be happening" he breathed out, his vision blurring badly as dark spots fluttered in front of his eyes  
"You need to sit down. Easy now" clint rocked backwards and the medic helped him to the floor  
"You've lost a lot of blood"  
The last thing Clint saw before passing out was Natasha's pale hand hanging over the side of the bed.

Clint woke to soft whispers, his head ached  
"How is he?" Clint heard Fury ask  
"Physically? He'll be fine..." The doctor paused and looked over at the man on the bed  
"But mentally? It's hard to say, he'll need to go to the psychologist. He's never lost a partner before" Fury nodded and glanced at Clint, his eyes were shut tight his hands balled into fists by his side  
"Barton..." Clints eyes opened slowly focusing them on Fury  
"It wasn't a dream was it..."  
"No, I'm sorry Clint" Barton's brow furrowed as mental images of Natasha falling to the ground entered his thoughts, he swallowed hard feeling bile rise in his throat again.

Clint pulled another arrow from his quiver, the string taut next to his head, he let it fly and missed the target by five inches. He growled in frustration opening his hand and letting his bow fall to the floor with a crack. He walked towards the target and yanked the arrow out, he looked at it for a moment before snapping it in his hand, he sat down and drew his knees to his chest toying with the broken arrow.  
The door to the training room opened, Clint glanced up then back to the arrow as Rogers strode towards him,  
"Hey"  
"Captain" Steve sat down next to Clint and crossed his legs, resting his arms on his knees  
"How're you holding up?" He asked softly, Clint let an exasperated sigh escape his lips  
"Just peachy" Rogers looked at the ground then back at Clint  
"Did she know?" Barton looked sideways at captain America, he knew he was referring to how he felt about her  
"I hope so..." Clint whispered looking at the floor again  
"Did you know?" Barton sighed  
"She always said love was for children" he said absently but smiled softly "I knew"  
Rogers looked at the floor now feeling uncomfortable, he didn't know why he came here or why he asked agent Barton these things. He was tearing himself up inside enough as it was and now he was making things worse for him.  
"I'm sorry"  
"No it's okay... I needed to get here at some point right?" Steve felt uneasy, Clints voice was detached, absent.  
"How's the training?" He asked to change the subject, to try and bring Hawkeye back to reality  
"Missed all two hundred and seven" Clint replied letting out a sharp cynical laugh  
"I'm no use here anymore" Clint stood up  
"That's not true" the Captain said softly, Clint spun on his heel and faced his friend, his lips curled up baring his teeth  
"Yes it is! What good am I without this?! he brought the arrow up and threw it to the ground  
"You know as well a I do that they're only tolerating me because of what happened!" Clint started pacing now his hands shaking with rage  
"They'll give me a nice little plaque and a see ya later, and that's all we ever get for the shit they put us through!" He turned to face Steve again who was on his feet now, his stance telling Clint that he was cautious of an attack  
"You think I'm going to attack you?" Clint laughed "I'm unstable right? That's what the doctor told Fury"  
"I don't believe that" Hawkeye glared at Steve and took a step forward so they were inches apart, his eyes threatening.  
"Agent Barton stand down" Fury said authoritatively behind him, Hawkeyes stare bore into the Captain's for a moment before he turned to Fury  
"We are not your enemies" the director said walking towards him, Hawkeyes hand instinctively grabbed his blade and Fury stopped  
"Barton, put the knife down" he heard the Captain move behind him and spun around slashing out at him, Steve jumped back just in time and looked questioningly at him  
"Hawkeye, I don't want to hurt you. Just put the knife down" Clints face relaxed a little and he looked down at the knife in his hands as if it had just appeared out of thin air, he let it fall to the floor and looked up at his friend  
"Sorry..." He whispered, his eyes showing the confusion he felt  
"What's happening to me?" Hawkeye asked desperately, he swallowed hard and looked down at his hands  
"I keep seeing her blood... It won't come off..." Steve looked at him, Clints face was contorted in pure agony, his eyes brimmed with tears  
"It's okay Clint..."  
"No it's not!" Clint yelled looking at him  
"She's gone! I couldn't save her... I wasn't quick enough..." Steve walked towards him ignoring the look from Fury that told him to keep his distance, Clint looked up at him through his tears  
"I can't..." Clint started but froze when Steve put his arms around him  
"You'll get through this" the Captain whispered "you're not alone Clint"  
Hawkeye stood there pressing his forehead hard into his friends shoulder as tears stained his shirt.

'These are the nights and the lights that we fade in. These are the words but the words aren't coming out. They burn cause they are hard to say. Though I'm empty when you go. I just wanted you to know that the world is ugly but your beautiful to me...'


	2. 3 years later

3 years later.

It took Clint 7 months before he was able to resume his duties at Shield.  
The rage he felt over Natasha's death, the sadness that swelled within him impaired his ability to function.  
He'd wake screaming, her blood covering his hands, her eyes questioning. She would open her mouth to speak but blood spilled down her lips and she choked before the words could form on her tongue.  
Steve would often find Clint in the training room, beating a bag until his knuckles bled. After the anger passed Clint would slump to the ground, silent tears of rage and sorrow falling down his face.

"Alright, come at me" Clint bent his knees, his hands up and his eyes trained on the young agent in front of him. The agent flung himself towards Clint, all flurry and no finesse. Clint sidestepped, gripped the agents arm and pulled it up behind his back, he kicked at the back of the kids knees and let him fall against the mats.  
"You need to pay closer attention to your opponent's movements." He gripped the soldiers hand and helped him up off the floor.  
"Yes, Sir" the agent fell back in line with the rest of the recruits.

It was Steve's idea to put Clint in charge of training the new recruits, it helped him release the pent up energy and gave him something to focus on.

"Alright, who wants to go next?" The recruits looked at each other, some sporting black eyes and bruised cheeks. A skinny girl with long black hair stepped forward "I'll go" Clint nodded at her, she watched him keenly and countered his stance with her own.  
He grinned at her for a moment before attacking, she blocked his first two punches but failed to stop his kick, her ribs protested under the pressure but instead of folding and stepping away she punched up and into Clint's stomach.  
He stepped back and she immediately dropped to the floor swinging her leg and knocking him onto his back. Fast as lightning she put her hand around his throat, her other hand clenched into a fist next to her head.  
Clint smiled and put his hands up, "you got me"  
She grinned at him and relaxed her hand slightly.

The door to the training room opened, it's rusty hinges squealed. The recruits stared at the door, some looked confused, some shocked. The girl hovering over Clint glared, her hand lowering and she stood. Clint looked at the recruits with bemusement  
"What's the problem?" He turned his head to look at what the recruits we're focused on.  
"Who is that?" One recruit asked under his breath.  
Clint's face hardened, his mouth clenched into a hard line, he swallowed.  
"that's Black Widow" someone responded. The recruit shook his head  
"No way, she's been dead for 3 years"  
The older recruit slapped his hand on the others shoulder and let out a breathy laugh "welcome to Shield kid"

Clint picked himself up off the floor without taking his eyes from Natasha, the side of her mouth twitched into a small smile but it didn't stay long. She looked sheepish, cautious.  
Clint turned his head slightly, still keeping eyes on Nat, he couldn't let himself look away, afraid that if he did she would be gone.  
"Everybody get out" he ordered, the recruits collected their bags and hastily left the room. The girl who had Clint on the ground walked past Natasha, glaring at her as she passed.

Clint took a hesitant step forward  
"Nat?" she smiled softly, finding it hard to keep his gaze. He reached her and before she could say anything his hand went to her face, the other gripped her waist pulling her into him. His lips crashed against hers in a needful kiss.  
Her hands went to his hair, she pushed herself closer into him. Clint gripped her hip hard, pulling her against his crotch. He moaned pulling out of the kiss for air, his forehead pressed tightly against hers.  
"I'm going to fucking kill Fury" he spoke between breaths  
"I'm sorry Clint…" he shook his head "not now" he kissed her hard, his hands trailed down her hips to her thighs, he lifted her effortlessly and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He walked her to the closest wall and pressed her back against it, his hips holding her firmly in place.

Natasha's hands roamed his back, clawing, grasping at his skin, feeling every divot of his muscles, every scarred line. Clint groaned into her mouth, he pulled away and grabbed the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head, she did the same with hers, revealing a lacy black bra.  
Clint watched her chest rise and fall, his own breathing matching hers, he licked his lips before attacking her neck, his right hand went to her face, his left cupped her breast, massaging the tissue beneath the fabric.  
Natasha moaned and clawed at his back, pulling him into her. He gripped her thighs and lifted her away from the wall, her arms wrapped across his shoulders, her hands in his hair.  
He lifted his head and kissed her roughly, moaning into the contact.  
He placed her on top of a stack of training mats, as soon as her ass hit the pads he kissed down her throat, between her breasts and down her stomach. Licking, biting, savouring every touch. When he reached the top of her jeans his hands swiftly undid the button and zip, she lifted her hips off the mats, holding herself up with her arms.  
Clint ran his hands up her thighs and pulled her jeans off, taking her underwear with them. He kissed her inner thighs, trailing his tongue across the sensitive skin.  
Natasha's breath hitched in her throat and her hips twitched, urging Clint higher. He obliged and took her clit into his mouth, he sucked gently eliciting a cry from Natasha, she threw her head back, her hand winding into his hair.

Natasha moaned and bucked her hips, she grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled, he lifted his head and looked at her, his steel grey eyes burning. She guided him back to her mouth, their teeth knocked together in a lustful kiss. Clint grabbed his belt and pulled it loose, he undid his pants and let them fall around his ankles.  
He grabbed Natasha's hips and pulled her closer to the edge of the mats. His cock pressing against her mound. They both moaned as he rubbed himself against her clit, Natasha clawed at his ass and pulled out of the kiss  
"Clint" she breathed, his name had never sounded so good. He couldn't wait any more, he thrust into her, groaning as she tightened around him. Clint gripped her hips and thrust hard, he bent over her, kissing along the tops of her breasts.  
Natasha rocked her hips, meeting him mid thrust, Clint pressed his forehead into the hollow of her throat, his breath making her skin warm and cold with every exhaled moan.

He was muttering now, he kissed up her neck, biting at her earlobe  
"Fuck, Nat… don't stop…" she put her hands on the sides of his face, they took in the sight of each other before she drew him into her. The kiss was softer, loving.  
Natasha's stomach muscles tightened as she felt the heat grow in her gut, Clint felt her tense and pistoned his hips faster. Her walls clenched around him and she moaned throwing her head back and grasping at his arms.  
Clint's forehead was on her chest again, his breathing heavy as she came around him. His thrusts became sloppy as he felt his own orgasm building, he closed his eyes tightly, his mouth going slack. Muttering profanities before the orgasm made the words stick in his throat.

Clint pulled out of her with a shudder, he pulled his pants over his hips but didn't bother doing them up.  
He grabbed Natasha's pants of the floor and handed them to her, she slipped them on and Clint stepped back between her legs, kissing her deeply.  
When Clint pulled away and walked to his gym bag Natasha hopped off the mats and sat on the floor, her back resting against the pile and her knees drawn up, her arms draped over them.

Clint walked back over to her and handed her a bottle of water before sitting next to her, his legs crossed.  
He looked at her sideways, waiting for her to talk.  
"I was compromised Clint… Alexi sent his men and they blew all my covers." she looked into his eyes, he sat silently  
"Before the battle in New York, Fury and I made a plan. Alexi needed to think I was dead, it was the only course of action we could take." Her eyes were pained, Clint put his hand on her knee and squeezed gently, urging her to continue.  
"He was coming after me, he was going to kill anyone who got in his way"  
"You should have told me" he said quietly  
"No" she shook her head, her eyes pleading "if he got to you…" she shuddered at the thought  
"you weren't safe… he had to believe I was really dead, he watched you for months after Clint." Clint clenched his jaw  
"It took longer than I thought to get to him, I wasn't meant to be gone for so long…" she trailed off and looked at her hands.

"Is it over?" He asked softly, she nodded  
"I cornered him outside of Belarus." Clint understood and didn't ask for details, all he needed to know was that Alexi was dead.  
Tears pooled in Natasha's eyes, Clint grabbed her and she sat across his hips, their foreheads pressed together  
"I'm sorry Clint…"  
"Shh" he whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, his thumb stroking her cheekbone. They looked into each other's eyes before he kissed her deeply.

~I know that when I stare into your eyes  
I can see all the years of lies  
Ghosts and demons you never exorcised~


End file.
